My Name Is Lucy von Fahnestock, And I am Afraid

I’ve been tasked with going deeper. With looking “it” in the eye. The “it” I’m referring to?

Fear.

Allegedly, I’ve been gaslighting myself. Repeating the mantra: “My name is Lucy von Fahnestock, and I will not be afraid” over and over again inside my head, only to wake up and realize the mantra was like a Band-Aid taped over a gushing wound. A phrase intended to be used to trick Georgette into believing we were safe when the whole time, Georgette knew the truth.

I am terrified. Of the unknown. Of the things outside of my control. Of judgement. Of rejection. Of abandonment. For context’s sake — let’s focus on Cher, my tripod rescue dog, and the being that I love to project all of my fear onto.

She came with four legs. But last year, I was presented with a choice. And I chose to amputate her leg. It was for her own good. So she (and I) could live a happy, healthy life.

You see, Cher changed my life.

We found each other in the nick of time. She was scheduled to be put down, and I was searching for a tether to keep me tied to this planet. I’m not being dramatic this time.

Summer 22 happened after I threw my metaphorical middle fingers up in the air and energetically told all of the people from my past who hurt me, rejected me, abandoned me, judged me to f*ck off.

What did this look like?

I became a ghost. I didn’t give a warning. I stopped replying. I set boundaries. My circle got really small. I coped in ways that always seemed to work for me.

If I was honest with anyone about what I was doing, thinking, writing back then, I imagine I’d have won a roundtrip ticket to the psych ward. Maybe a story for another time…

Alas, as I mentioned, Cher entered the picture, and we saved each other. She grounded me. Gave me purpose. Unlocked a piece of my heart and soul that I buried deep inside myself years ago in childhood.

Christmas 24 was spent at the emergency vet. Q1 25 I could hardly leave my apartment. I didn’t want to leave my apartment. Because then I’d be leaving Cher.

I found Dr. M early January 2025. Just in time.

Dr. M didn’t bull-sh*t me. She told it to me straight. And she helped me navigate the most challenging chapter of my life — holding my hand through the noise, the storm, the chaos that I’ve been navigating my whole entire life.

Living in fear, leaning into fear, choosing fear — it’s time to be done with that.

With love.

XOXO,

Lucy